He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
