Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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