Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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