had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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