You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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