My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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