I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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