Who wears a wallet chain?!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
