Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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