Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
