im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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