mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
