Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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