My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
