now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
