what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
