All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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