You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
