Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
