Your mouth is God's brothel.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
