with your own penis?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
