i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You left your phone here
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