she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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