i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
