Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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