Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
