Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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