I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
