omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
