My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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