Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
