well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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