Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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