im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
