I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
