Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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