The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
