Farmville is her only friend.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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