I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
