I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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