The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
