my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
