I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
