I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
