Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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