respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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