So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
