Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
