She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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