She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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