3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do vagina's smell?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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